If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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