can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
