Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I need water and some morals
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
