Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
