Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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