u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
It's Friday. Sex?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
