I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize