Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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