checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
