i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
