Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
