So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
