who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
