The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
