Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
