There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
