I can tuck mytits in my pants
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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