WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
