you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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