Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
