My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
