So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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