I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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