I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
