If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
