Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
