ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
