only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
