Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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