I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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