I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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