i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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