I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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