it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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