i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
