im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
