dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
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