So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize