her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
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