Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
