I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
