sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
