I wish I could teleport
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
