I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
