Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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