i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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