I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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