so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Randomize
