I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
