I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
