Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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