that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
